Over the summer, I had a lot going on, and fell out of the pattern of writing for a while.
I wasn't blogging or writing, or contacting agents.
I wasn't doing anything.
And I felt crap because of it.
Which is probably hard for a lot of people to understand, but when you're creative, it's a huge part of your personality and who you are.
Now I've got my writing mojo back again, I'm so much happier.
I still can't fit everything in. Like writing, blogging AND contacting agents. As well as working full-time, and being a single parent. But, I can prioritise, and do one, or two of them at least.
I haven't blogged for a while, and I spend hardly any time on social media and I'm conscious what little I do do, should be so much more.
But!
I am sending my book, Boom's Graffiti Boy, out to agents.
And I have finished the first three chapters of my second book and once I've finished writing the synopsis for it, I'll be able to start sending that out to agents too.
And I have just finished the storyboard for my third book, which I am going to enter into a competition at the start of next year. I've just finished writing the first couple of pages, and I can feel the characters kicking into my psyche already, so I'm excited!
So at least I'm heading in the right direction.
And I'm a lot happier because of it.
But over the summer, when I just couldn't find the time to write, I wrote a poem (I had time for that!) about how I feel when I'm not writing, and here it is, below.
It feels quite dark for me (I have a dark sense of humour and I always look at the gritty reality of life, but I also feel like I'm a very positive, happy person so if something I write is very dark, it always makes me stop for a second to re-read it and question if it's ok).
But I think it at least gives you a sense of how much writing means to me, and how it's not just a want - but a NEED, in me.
Because I really don't want to be like Van Gogh, and never make a living from what I love doing the most.
I have so much I want to share, I need it to happen in my lifetime.
So - if once you've read my poem - and you get where I am coming from - please like, share, and comment on my blog, and if you get to read my book, please don't forget to review it for me on Amazon. Because if my dream of becoming a PAID, full-time writer comes true (in my lifetime!) I'll be the happiest person alive!
THE FRUSTRATED CREATIVE
A constant restlessness fills my head
But it is not my legs that want to run from this life
It is my heart
Telling me (fiercely), over and over again,
That I do not want this life.
A life where I cannot explore words and ideas
Ideas so many, they fill my head until it wants to burst
Until I can no longer hold them in - and I am left wondering
why I am not yet in a place to turn them into reality...
Not yet, Not yet, I whisper fiercely to keep them alive
I am not scared to be 'normal'
I am after all, very grounded as a person
But - to deny me my creativity
Fills me with a restlessness I cannot shake
One so physical it pushes and prods until I feel like I'll go insane if I don't act on it
Leaving me no choice but to react to the
constant reminder that I am not yet where I want to be
I want to express myself
To share my thoughts and feelings with others
I want to write
To fill my life with words and colours,
conversations,
thoughts,
emotions and feelings
I want to talk to people and ask them question after question about their lives
What drives them, their regrets, their loves.
I want to travel and explore
To see things that others do not see
I want to feel like my life is constantly moving and connecting
Instead of stuck here in this forever grey place
I will take my loved ones with me
Fill their lives with colour, words and people too
Because after all, where would my life be without them?
So I listen to the voice inside of me,
Pushing with such a restlessness
That I can palpably feel it -
buzzing and vibrating through my body, too strong to ignore
I cannot stay where I am, because the darkness
and despondency will fill my heart if I do not move
So I chose to be brave
And stand ready to fight.
For colour
For change
For creativeness and ideas
For questions and life
For curiosity
And a voice
I will fight until I have filled my life with souls
That feel and chase the same as me
Those that follow the call for life.
To rally forth and let it surge through my veins
My eyes
My heart
So I offer a prayer to the Universe
Asking - begging - it to fill me with a vivid brightness that I will not have if I stay here, doing nothing
In return, let me fill your life with the same
Let the restlessness give way to the furious rainbow of colours that await us
Pumping endless life and energy into our hearts
Please take this ferocious restlessness away
Make it take its final bow
Allowing me instead, the gentle lapping waters
of a contented soul
Bursting with love and peace and colour
Knowing that I am,
Finally,
doing what I should be doing...
Creating.
Please let my soul create...
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