Before I start this blog, I should let you know, I'm not an expert on Domestic Abuse, nor do I work with victims of Domestic Abuse. But I have chosen to write a book on the subject in the hope that I can help raise awareness around what is a complex, psychological issue.
As part of the process, I spent a couple of years trying to find a survivor of Domestic Violence who would let me talk to them about their experiences so that I could include their interview at the end of my book.
The person I spoke to in the end, very kindly, and very bravely, agreed to share their story with me so I could do just that - and it is some of her interview that I am including in my blog today.
When I was working out how the domestic violence would tie itself into the story around my main character, Boom, I had to think about how I would portray the perpetrator. How I could be absolutely sure that everyone knew just how scary he was. That no-one, not even a burly male counterpart, could stand up to him. I had to write scenes that showed how the victim (Boom's mum) lived within society, as well as why she didn't leave. Because that is nearly always the first question people ask when talking about Domestic Violence. Why do the victims stay?
First of all, I think it's important to understand how scary and intimidating perpetrators of domestic violence really are.
Just before I started to write my story, I visited a shelter for people who had been made homeless overnight as part of my work. There was a mum there, who had been a victim of domestic violence, and she was there with her daughter, who was tiny (toddler age) and not yet speaking. But I remembered her because she was just really sweet. Anyway, I went back a month later to drop off a beautiful soft, multi-coloured unicorn toy as a present for her. When I told staff it was for the little girl (whose name I didn't know) they couldn't let me meet her (for obvious reasons) but they told me she and her mum were having to move that day.
So perpetrators of violence can be pretty persistent, as well as cruel. And they have a way of getting inside their victim's head, which intimidates and scares them even more.
When I asked the person I interviewed why she stayed, she explained that the violence hadn't happened straight away. Her bully had waited for her to fall in love with him. He gave her things she needed (she desperately wanted kids and he had a son who she became very close to). But it wasn't until he had moved in with her, after losing his home, that the violence began. So by then, it wasn't as easy as just walking away. She was emotionally tied to him, their life, and his son.
Bullies are manipulative and clever. They take their time. They slowly start to erode their victim's confidence by degrading them, and verbally attacking their friends and family, leaving them isolated, and therefore more vulnerable. Once the victim is in that vulnerable position, that's when the campaign of hate starts.
My interviewee told me it had been nine or ten months into her relationship before any physical abuse had happened. And she said once it started it didn't happen all the time, meaning it was harder to leave, because the moments in between were almost bearable.
She told me, "The violent incidents would only happen when we didn't have his son staying with us, so it was like I was living two lives. We would have lovely family times but when his son went to his mum's, I would think, 'shit it's going to happen now'."
The way she spoke about her abuser made me picture roots of a tree, creeping into her life slowly and secretly, embedding themselves into the soil where they stayed. But she told me, "If I had to use words to describe domestic violence I would say it is like a black treacle that spreads through your life and covers up any light. You feel like you can't get away from it."
There were a few reasons why I wanted to include the interview at the back of my book.
Firstly, to make the point that although my story is fictional, domestic violence is something that is happening for real, in homes all around the world. And just as with Boom's situation, if no-one speaks about it, it remains hidden and out of sight, which makes it easier for the perpetrator to get away with. It can also happen to anyone. We all like to think of ourselves as strong and confident and independent, but emotionally abusive and/or violent people have a way of knowing how to get under people's skin. Because if it really was as easy as just standing up to someone, there wouldn't be the sheer number of domestic violence cases that there are around the world.
Secondly, I wanted to help raise awareness by trying to understand how these cases occur in the first place. What are the warning signs for people to look out for? How do you get yourself out of that kind of situation? What do you do if you believe your friend is the victim of domestic violence?
But lastly, I wanted to leave behind some hope. Because it would be very easy to think in a situation like this, that there isn't any.
What was interesting about the person I interviewed was that you would never have known in a million years that half of the things she spoke about had happened to her (but then that's life, isn't it?). She was so strong and grounded, it didn't seem possible.
But when she spoke about how it happened, slowly, over time; planned meticulously almost to the point where it was safe for her perpetrator to hit her (safe as in a safe position for them because they had brought her to a point where she was relying on him), then it all starts to make sense... why victims of domestic abuse stay, and why it's so hard to leave.
But she did get away and now she's with a kind, thoughtful, caring man. Someone who treats her how she should always have been treated. She's calm and independent. She can see her friends whenever she wants, and without consequences. But best of all she's happy.
And that's what she wanted other victims of domestic violence to know.
You can leave. And you can be happy again. Just don't be afraid to ask for help.
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